You’ve ever stood outside the Today Show window.

You know what time Jerry Springer is on.

You can’t speak English, your residence is a heating grate or packing crate, or your employment is standing on a street with a styrofoam cup for change.

You’re male, under 25 years of age, wear a baseball cap backwards and have an earring, nosering or visible tattoo.

You’re female, under 25 years of age, and sprinkle your conversation with "like" and "uh."

You think Kwanzaa is an authentic holiday, Wicca is real religion, pro wrestling is a sport or Rosie O’Donnell is deep.

You read the horoscope in your newspaper before the editorial pages.

You’ve ever called the Psychic Friends hotline.

You’d rather play miniature golf than watch a candidate debate.

You think a condom is the answer to adolescent sex.

You think gun control is the answer to crime.

You think more spending is the answer to the education crisis.

You think welfare is the answer to poverty.

You think subsidized housing is the answer to homelessness.

You think Al Gore is the answer to anything.

You habitually mistake government for your mother, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy.

You think the business of government is compassion rather than justice.

You think animals have rights but unborn human beings do not.

You don’t know the meaning of "original intent."

You don’t know what happened in Tiananmen Square in 1989.

You don’t know what the First Amendment actually says.

You think the words "separation of church and state" are anywhere in the Constitution.

Your favorite movie of 1999 was American Pie, South Park, American Beauty or Dogma.

You think the government should subsidize obscene or sacrilegious art but not provide scholarships for poor children trying to escape public schools that resemble Grozny at happy hour.

You believe there’s something called "government money" which exists in a state of nature rather than being squeezed from the hides of working Americans.

You can’t locate Kosovo on a map but are convinced that our bombing of Belgrade was the greatest thing since the Normandy invasion.

You think the religious right or militias are more a threat to our fundamental freedoms than judges who, disregarding popular sovereignty and electoral mandates, legislate from the bench.

You think the Clinton impeachment was about sex and not about multiple felonies committed by the nation’s chief law-enforcement officer.

You think Clinton is, in the immortal words of Al Gore, "one of our greatest presidents."

You’ve taken the president at his word---at any time since Jan. 20, 1993.